


just a little bit of regret

by lov_lyness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blink And You Miss It Slash, Drug Addiction, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Not Beta Read, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Song: You should be sad (Halsey), Substance Abuse, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22950196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lov_lyness/pseuds/lov_lyness
Summary: "Here, m'boy," Slughorn added, winking and pulling a purple vial out from under his desk. "Something to help you review this lesson, and maybe get a good night's sleep while you're at it."Remus reached out and took the bottle of Dreamless Sleep, wondering if this dose tasted like almost spoilt fruit, too, or if Slughorn did something different to it than whoever supplied Madam Pomfrey.***Based off https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257931
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	just a little bit of regret

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All I Need (All I Could Wish For)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257931) by [hephaestiions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hephaestiions/pseuds/hephaestiions). 



> Hi my friends this contains major substance abuse and addiction so if that doesn't float your boat don't read!
> 
> (Please forgive me if this doesn't line up with what addiction is actually like)
> 
> Also many Halsey lyrics are contained

_ Got no anger, got no malice _

_ Just a little bit of regret _

  


Remus thumped his schoolbags down on the windowsill before crawling gratefully into his bed. The creaking of his joints made him wince, and his brain helpfully supplied a vision of Snape, bruised and battered next to him in the hospital wing.

  


Almost a murderer. Remus sighed and reached for the shining purple vial of Dreamless Sleep Madam Pomfrey had given him "for emergencies".

  


He'd definitely need it tonight.

  


***

  


_ Let me start this off by sayin' _

_ I really meant well from the start _

  


Slughorn's voice echoed in Remus's ears like a swarm of bees. Sirius doodled on parchment next to him, and Remus wondered for the millionth time why on Earth he had decided to take N.E.W.T. level Potions. Even when Sirius began to rummage around for his cauldron, all Remus was able to do was squint at the textbook and glance from it to Sirius's gently simmering cauldron, seeing as how his own cauldron had melted last Friday.

  


He and Sirius don't talk. Not since  _ then _ .

  


It's only at the end of class that Remus snaps out of his stupor.

  


"Your potions should be done by now," Slughorn called from behind his desk, mustache jiggling as he surveyed them. "Kindly fix a vial and put it on my desk to be graded." Remus saw his eyes flickering over to him and his complete lack of cauldron.

  


Remus approached Slughorn's desk last, after the attempts of the other students are all lined up, good grades waiting to happen for everyone but Remus.

  


"Still haven't gotten a replacement cauldron, m'boy?" Slughorn asked, rubbing his chin with one hand while fondling the vials on the desk with the other.

  


"No, sir. Sorry. I'll get a new one as soon as I can—"

  


"Nonsense, m'boy, I heard all about that nasty incident with Mr. Snape the other night. I suppose you could use some Dreamless Sleep yourself," Slughorn aired out, now waving a hand.

  


_ Ah, _ Remus thought, _ he's one of the pitying ones. _

  


It seemed like everyone who knew about the incident either was scared of Remus or sorry for him. He would've thought Slughorn was one of the scared ones, but apparently not.

  


"Here, m'boy," Slughorn added, winking and pulling a purple vial out from under his desk. "Something to help you review this lesson, and maybe get a good night's sleep while you're at it."

  


Remus reached out and took the bottle of Dreamless Sleep, wondering if this dose tasted like almost spoilt fruit, too, or if Slughorn did something different to it than whoever supplied Madam Pomfrey.

  


***

  


_ No, you're not half the man you think that you are _

_ And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs, and cars _

  


Sirius was sitting on the crumbling part of the parapets of Gryffindor Tower. Remus smiled faintly as he settled down beside him. Leave it to Sirius to find the single most dangerous hideaway in school.

  


The silence is awkward.

  


"You've been sleeping better," Sirius offers, an honestly awful attempt at conversation.

  


Remus shrugged. "I suppose."

  


"I thought—" Sirius stuttered. "Nevermind."

  


That night, Remus takes two of the sickly-sweet little vials he and Lily made to get his Potions grade up.

  


***

  


_ I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you _

_ 'Cause you can't love nothin' unless there's somethin' in it for you _

  


"Oi, Remus, poker?"

  


He wants to, he really does. James is grinning and that pretty fifth-year Remus's never bothered to learn the name of is casting looks at him from the fireside.

  


But there's a pull in Remus's gut, which will turn into a churning if he ignores it for too long, and he slips on a comfortable-feeling smile.

  


"Sorry, not tonight, mate. Want to catch some sleep."

  


James's smile flickered. "But poker's your favorite."

  


Remus shrugged and headed to the dormitory.

  


***

  


_ I feel so sad _

_ You should be sad _

  


It's the morning after the full, and Remus is tossing and turning in his hospital bed. Madam Pomfrey had point-blank refused to let the boys crowd around Remus's bedside that morning, leaving him to the empty hospital wing.

  


"Anything I can do for you, dear?" she asked, almost unconsciously, from across the room.

  


Remus swallowed. "D'you have any Dreamless Sleep? It's just I don't think I got any sleep last night…"

  


She clicked her tongue. "Can't you just sleep without the potion? Dreamless Sleep can be addicting, you know."

  


_ Oh, I know. _ "Yes, it's just that sometimes the wolf is still pretty present the morning after. I don't want him interfering with my dreams."

  


Another tongue-click. "Very well, Mr. Lupin. If you really think so."

  


***

  


_ I tried to help you _

_ It just made you mad _

  


Remus's foot twitched, accidentally hitting one of the empty bottles he'd taken to shoving under his bed. He winced at the clink and then wished he hadn't. 

  


Peter already looked like he wanted to cry.

  


He, James, and Sirius were all perched on the edge of Sirius's bed, just like in second year when they'd told him that they  _ knew _ .

  


He didn't doubt that this was an equally solemn occasion.

  


"Whatever you're going to say, please just say it," Remus finally said.

  


***

  


_ Know nobody else will tell you _

_ So there's some things I gotta say _

  


And so  _ what _ , Remus thought, bringing his shaking hand clutched around his nightly potion to his mouth, if he had a  _ problem.  _ It was none of their business.

  


Just like it was none of their business that he was failing his classes, and having worse transformations than ever, and talking back to McGonagall.

  


None of their business.

  


***

  


_ Gonna jot it down and then get it out _

_ And then I'll be on my way _

  


Sirius's smile had been so bright, so dissimilar to everything Remus had seen on him that past year, that he tricked himself into thinking he could do it.

  


He ate Sirius's chocolate bar before bed, battling the feeling in his stomach as he climbed under the covers without taking the potion for…

  


What, had it really been five months?

  


It would be fine.

  


Around one AM, Remus couldn't fight the tug anymore. He stumbled into the bathroom, vaguely praying nobody had been in the dorm, and vomited, once, twice, three times into the toilet. Once all the brown chunks seemed to have moved from his esophagus to the toilet, Remus crawled to his sliding bathroom tile and drained tiny vial after tiny vial.

  


***

  


_ Won't see your alligator tears _

_ 'Cause, no, I've had enough of them _

  


Here are the facts: on the morning of February 15, 1977, Remus Lupin was hospitalized for overdose on potion for Dreamless Sleep. He was taken to St. Mungo's almost as soon as Madam Pomfrey laid eyes on his prone form. 

  


The only visitors allowed were relatives of the patient. This did not stop several spirited attempts at a break-in by three rather rambunctious young men and possibly a stag.

  


Remus was released from hospital after a week, and took another week at home to "recuperate". That week happened to contain the full moon, and if you wanted to speak with Hope or Lyall about that particular moon, you would be swiftly disappointed.

  


Horace Slughorn frowned and twisted his pudgy finger around the end of his mustache.

  


Lily Evans was told that Remus had "caught a bug". 

  


The young men that Remus shared a dorm with were told to "quiet down a bit".

  


Nothing much more was said about it, really. Sometimes Remus would catch himself reaching for the ripest fruit at the table, the kind that might've had mold on it, but nobody noticed, or at least, nobody commented.

  


And that was that.

  


***

  


_ You should be _

_ You should be sad _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think!!!


End file.
